When you're walking down that aisle or standing at the alter anxiously awaiting to be lawfully wedded to your beloved, do you ever stop and think about what it is exactly that you're getting yourself into? Is it just me or is getting married not the most sacred, ultimate union you can make with another person? I say it is. Take a look at what has been recognized as a traditional wedding vow:
I, (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.
We all know that things have changed drastically since the days of long time ago where a man and a woman would get married, grow old together, and when that time came they would die together (if not literally, at least legally). Yet in this very controversial article, the traditional values of getting married and living together "in sickness and in health" are being challenged. The article puts the spotlight on a religious broadcaster, Pat Robertson, who publicly advises divorcing a spouse that lives with Alzheimer's disease. Not only does this change how we were meant to feel about marriage, but it also sends out a very wrong message as to how we should deal with a loved one suffering from this disease.
Having experienced living with a loved one who has Alzheimer's disease, I know first hand that it can become one of the most challenging things to deal with. Watching my granddad's mind literally deteriorate over a course of 3 years, it has become so hard to accept that he's no longer the man we grew to love. Everyday is a struggle just to make it through. I don't even see the same person when I look into his eyes, yet as his family we have to know and believe that the sweet and loving granddad we've always loved and cherished is in there somewhere.
If you knew my granddad now, you would know that every morning he wakes up and rambles through the house looking for something that he claims someone has stolen from him, whether it be a bag of cashews or an old dirty sock he can't find. You'd know that he doesn't remember any of his children or grandchildren's names, or that we are even kin. Everyday he misplaces something or gets lost somewhere and we all have to work really hard to get him to settle down. But one thing, one very important thing my grandfather hasn't forgotten about is my grandmother, his wife of 48 long years. To this day, she is the only person that he can fully remember including her birthday, their anniversary, their first car, her favorite snacks, her favorite tv station, and almost everything else about her and the things they've had together.
Even though, at times, he can be a bit difficult for even her too, I know that she could never leave him. And I know that anyone dealing with a loved one with Alzheimer's disease should do nothing more but shower them with the warmth of love, the same love that at one point they gave to you.
I so agree with you here. I doubt that your parent and their siblings or even you or any other grandchildren were always the best. It wasn't that you deep down meant it. It was just your state of mind (whether that be because of age or etc). However, he dealt with it because he loved you all. Now, thankfully, you see that this is only the way the disease has affected him, and it's now all of your turn to step up for him.
ReplyDeleteCarolyn, your words about you grandfather touched me. The saddest thing about Alzheimer's disease is the grief of losing someone who is not even gone. I have found in my short 10 years of marriage that a lot of time love has to be a choice. So even if our love has taken away by this disease he or she is still the one we chose to love.
ReplyDeleteToday's culture of married today and divorce tomorrow has lost that. We think we don't have to choose love. When the feeling is gone then so are we. For better or worse, in sickness and health, til death do us part doesn't really mean anything when we can hire any of the many, many divorce attorneys close by and put the whole silly marriage thing behind us.
When this disease takes away a person, it is no wonder we can just say "hey go get divorced it's like their dead anyway," the fact is people get divorced for much less.
Carolyn, you should be so proud of your grandmother. She is such a special person to take care of your granddad the way she does. It is just sad our society is just always willing to throw away people who aren't the same as everyone else.
Nicole, it is our time to step up. And we will continue to do the best we can to make these years his best years. :) Thank you!
ReplyDeleteKim, you are so right. Love is a choice. And the love we have chosen for each other is what's keeping our family strong. It's very sad how some divorced couples have chosen not to love anymore. Or maybe that true love was never chosen to begin with? I am very proud of my grandmother because her job isn't an easy one. Thank you so much, Kim! :)
I as well completely agree with what both ladies have said. It is very disappointing that our society feels so little on the issues that should matter the most, and blows up insignificant problems. Many people go into a marriage not fully understanding the true meaning of the wedding vows. They say they will always love that person, then 2 years later they are cheating. As a society we have lost quite a bit of our values that were instilled into this country several centuries ago.
ReplyDeleteMany people of the early 1900s knew that when they got married, that was it. Divorce was not even an option for them to get. They were bound to that person by God and nothing could tear them apart. I know an elder family member now that her husband died at least 15 years ago and she still has not remarried nor is trying to. The devotion to that one love by God was true and the most heartfelt love. As Kim stated, with all these divorce attorneys so easily to get, of course we will be pushed into getting divorced. Divorce attorneys were not part of the elder generation during their time. They knew that was the one and whatever situations and problems that occurred, were to be worked out with the help of God. That is something we are also dealing with in modern times. So i commend your family and especially your grandmother for sticking by his side through this time, and God will bless you all for it. For a man to slowly have his mind leaving but can somehow remember that once person he got married to 40+ years ago, shows maybe his mind is not as gone as you think. This should encourage people to understand the vows they take during the wedding ceremony and really stick by them. This should also be an example of how true love bound by God will never fail.
I agree. I do not think it is right to divorce someone because they are suffering from a psychological disease. When you get married you take the vow for better or for worst. This is a case, its unfortunate this disease is for worse, but you made the vow. Marriage is a sacred union and it is also like a contract, and a promise to love and protect each other no matter what, until “death do you part”. If my spouse was suffering from Alzheimer’s I would not leave them. I would love and nurture them, and make sure that their days are filled with love and support, and I would do my best to help them remember they life we shared together. Vice versa if I was suffering from Alzheimer’s I wouldn’t want my spouse to leave me and sacrifice all the things we’ve been through up until this point. I would hope that my spouse has enough love and respect for me to help me through it and not leave me high and dry.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the vow of marriage is the most important promise that can be made in life. Those words you recite together mean that you care for them and that you are going to stick by that person through good and bad and even sickness.
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